.actions and reactions.

We are defined by our actions towards others,

Not others’ actions towards us.

It’s all too easy to get tangled up and come out upside down when I take a view of myself.  Or even when I’m not taking a look at myself, just as I potter along it is a constant process of fine tuning and adjustment caused by the actions and reactions of others.  My sense of self-worth, of decency, of attractiveness, of ability and so on is being convoluted by the experience I receive at the hands of others.  I aim to please, I like to because it makes me feel good because I then know I have made a difference to another person or situation and so I feel better.  These are my actions, my choice to take time to help, to listen, to invest.

What knocks me sideways is when I am treated indifferently or negatively.  Albeit through no actions on my part and nor as a result of anything I have done or said it makes no difference – I can feel shunned, rejected, neglected, worthless and negative.  Picking myself up and dusting myself down after just such a minor mangle through the mill is a chore, and then there are all those times that my perception of the actions of others cause a poor definition of Self – when in fact nothing has been done and yet my powerful, engorged monkey mind grabs onto wisps of unattached threads and weaves an imaginary patchwork of possible permutations.

What’s more, I’m only as good as my last: no matter what has preceded, if I manage to experience or concoct negative actions towards me then everything else flies out of the window and in its place I am left with the unhappy sensation in the belly.  Of course, it also depends on what the actions of others may be – they can make me feel rejected, disappointed, despondent, angry, sad, distraught, depressed; equally, they can be positive and then I build my foundations upon them in all the shining light they cast, ignorant of the shadows lurking.

Ultimately, learning to take my cue from myself, from my own actions and not allowing those of others to interfere with my feelings towards my Self is an aspirational goal.  It does feel almost selfish, as if I’m not taking account of others but that is getting confused with the feelings of others rather than the actions which represent two very different things.  My actions towards others are influenced by both my own and their feelings, I am sensitive to these and act accordingly.  In return I hope for the same and if someone turns around and delivers to me a sucker blow then I wish to not allow it to destabilise me completely in everything else.  That is all.

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